A PAIN IN THE ASS

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and
purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &
Johnson.

Be very sure you get this
brand.

When you get home, lock
your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the
phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your
favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.


Now, carefully place it
on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped
or broken.




Now the fun part
begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it
carefully.


You will notice that in
small print there is a statement:


"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &
Johnson is personally tested and then
sanitized."


Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I
am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control
department at Johnson & Johnson.'



HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE
WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

Cough

Just For Glee

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. .......................I'm with the I.R.S..

Lifted from Charming, Just Charming

Celebrate

Mandie graduated from obedience class today and even received a diploma. We worked on heeling without reward. The definition of healing is for the dog to continually watch you while walking on your left. We capped off the hour with some competition between the dogs. In one event the trainer held Mandie at one end of a long room with me at the other. On cue I called her and she got to me in just over four seconds and one the event.

And Tomorrow

Autumn

Sixty degrees, sunshine, light breeze and trusty Mandie at my side, I took a long walk about the complex. It would be hard to get a nicer day and this one was made even brighter by the beautiful leaves living out their last days as they fall to the ground.

Mandie loves to take a ride in the car so off we went to PetSmart to get her a new bag of Fit and Trim. These bags weigh in at about forty pounds and last about a month. Mandie went nuts, greeting patrons and dogs alike, having so much fun she even refused a cookie from the cashier. From there we went to Starbucks and sat outside where I entertained a large coffee -- very slowly --, and Mandie said hello to all that went through the door. I really didn't want to return home, but chores await.

The Pill

Lifted from Grouchy Old Cripple>

Blonde Joke

Stay
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Local Shopping Center and rolled
Down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.



She was stretched full-out on the back seat
And I wanted to impress upon her that she must
Remain there.

I walked to the curb backward,
Pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'

'Stay! Stay!'

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,
Gave me a strange look and said,


'Why don't you just put it in park?

Trick or Trick

Lifted from the Grouchy Old Cripple>

Remember this...

Lifted from Fat in Indiana

Yum!

Yum! Lox, bagels, cream cheese, tuna, tuna salad, sable, salmon, white fish, herring, tomatoes and onions. This morning a friend honored the anniversary of the passing of a loved one -- Yahrzeit -- and bought the minyan group breakfast at Bagelicious, a neighborhood deli.

Photo of the Day

Mandie

Last night was Mandie's fifth of eight classes on dog obedience. She was great again. We worked on staying in place on command, increasing distances as we progressed. We also worked on staying in place with distraction.

Next week -- graduation.

What It's All About

Daughter Kerry with three of my four granddaughters, Rochael on top and Penina - with binky - and Chana underneath.

Say Fire Truck

Drain

It seems not unusual for people to attach names to their cars,i.e. Betsy, Batmobile, etc. I call mine "drain." If it's not tires, batteries, wipers or in this case an alternator, I can only cringe and wonder what's next. It went like this. Starting about two weeks ago every time I turned off the ignition there was a loud metal on metal whistle coming from under the hood. The place I take my car for repair gave me a lift home, kept the car and called me shortly after to tell me the Car needed an alternator and the cost was over $650. They had the car for a few more hours so I had time to decide where to take the dough from.

So True

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.


After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door..

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Photo of the Day

Zoe

Tomorrow will be a special day. My granddaughter, Zoe, is turning three. My Prize and I are going to drive to Chattanooga to go to a party in a park. There will be clowns and gifts and cake and ice cream and tons of food and a very large crowd. Whatever it takes to throw a bash, my son Aaron will do it. And the lady of the day will be running all over the park with a face full of frosting, smiling at one camera after another.

Tell you about the party next week along with a bunch of photos.

Hygiene

Nothing out of the ordinary today at water aerobics. The pool at LA Fitness is my thrice weekly 9 am home for an hour. Besides walking trusty Mandie several times a day the aerobics is about the only exercise I get. Lots of bouncing around, stretching and water weights, the splashing deafened by constant chattering and the continuous counting down of the ineffective leader who better not quit her day job. I couldn't wait to get out of the pool and into the hot tub. It feels great and there's a good chance of an interesting conversation.

The only difference today was the pool maintenance man who showed up while we were in the tub to clean the sides. He couldn't care less about the
caustic chemicals he was using and being from below the border, we couldn't speak with him. Within minutes gobs of brown foam appeared looking like giant puss balls. We caught the attention of a supervisor who also couldn't care less who promptly told us the whirlpool was closed for maintenance -- a little late. Until today I thought better of LA Fitness.

Urine or You're Out

Like most folks in this country, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem). What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

So, here is my Question: Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their ass - doing drugs, while I work. . . Can you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

I guess we could title that program, 'Urine or You're Out'.

Mandie

Last night was Mandie's fifth obedience training class. Again, she did beautifully. We added watching me from the healing position and continuing to watch while walking, watching me without a treat and reinforced sitting, lying down and coming on demand.

Recession Over????

L'Chaim

It was about three o'clock on Shabbos afternoon when the rabbi reminded everyone to come back for the marching of the Torahs at seven for the kids and free gourmet dinner at eight. He finished by saying that he had ordered for 300, and that's a lot of people for our Shul. Sure enough by eight the parking lot was stuffed and the lobby was full. Simchas Torah is a very special. We finish the five books of the Torah and start all over again with Genesis.

Simchas Torah is a family holiday, but the evening service especially is for the adults. We dance and march and sing and drink and drink and drink. This year a group of men stayed on til midnight and then walked to the rabbi's house for another dinner, more booze and finished up with breakfast.

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand...

UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP...

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........it is time to shut UP!

Oh . . ... one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you
do at night? U-P

Mandie

Wednesday evening was Mandie's third obedience training class. We reinforced the "watch" -- to get the dog to stay still while showing the reward and progressively hiding it -- command, worked on the "down" command -- to get the dog to lie down on command -- and on eliminating hard tugging while on dog walks.

Mandie got a star.

Rio

I counted down the years, the months and the days waiting for the Atlanta Olympics. I would have gone to Chi. Rio -- I dunno.

ObamaCare

Lifted from the Grouchy Old Cripple>

Only great minds can read this

This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Cna yuo raed tihs?

Jackie Mason on Including Spanish in the USA National Language

There may be those among you who support including Spanish in our national language. I for one am 110% against this! We must preserve the exclusivity and above all, the purity of the English language.To all the shlemiels, shlemazels, nebbishes, nudniks, klutzes, putzes, zhlubs, shmoes, shmucks, nogoodniks, and momzers that are out there pushing Sp anish, I just want to say that I, for one, believe that English and only English deserves linguistic prominence in our American culture. To tell the truth, it makes me so farklempt, I'm fit to plotz.

This whole Spanish schmeer gets me broyges, specially when I hear these erstwhile mavens and luftmenschen kvetching about needing to learn Spanish. What chutzpah! These shmegeges can tout their shlock about the cultural and linguistic diversity of our country, but I, for one, am not buying their shtick. It's all so much dreck, as far as I'm concerned. I exhort you all to be menshen about this and stand up to their fardrayte arguments and meshugganah, farshtunkene assertio ns. It wouldn't be kosher to do anything else. Remember, when all is said and done, we have English and they've got bubkes!The whole myseh is a pain in my tuchas!

Eye of G-d

This is a NASA photo taken with the Hubbel supposedly visible once every 500 years.

LCSW

Exciting news. As of this morning, my daughter, Stephanie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW). My children continue to make me proud.

And Never Will

Mandie

Last night was doggy Mandie's second obedience training class. There are ten dogs in the class which is led by a very knowledgeable young lady. We reinforced sitting in the heal position, coming when called and breaking the dogs' jumping. The training was all done on leash with rewards in hand. The instructor demonstrated each step with our dogs and then we practiced. I'll fill you in next week. Stick around.

So Much for Sauce

So much for my red fruits. The plants are huge and the slicers are few. Those that I was able to harvest made great tomato sandwiches, enhanced with a little mayo and salt and pepper. The goal however, was a large pot of sauce to be used in some of my favorite Italian dishes. As I watched the plants grow I was tasting my luscious eggplant Parmesan. Now my plants are full of these little fellows, about two inches long and bright green. The shot's a little grainy because of severe cropping.

Shanah Tova

First day Rosh Hashanah was wonderful. We started at Chabad and immediately headed out to Chattanooga to dine with son Aaron, his wife Sara and the beautiful granddaughter Zoe. We brought a 2 lb. round challah and roasted chicken with veggies and potatoes. They supplied a wonderful chicken soup with matzo balls, a salad to die for and yummy apple pie. We played with Zoe and doggy Dusty and relaxed over football games late into the night, Unfortunately Zoe was running a low grade temp and tired easily.

We arose to Zoe needing to go to the ER. Her temp was up, and it was Sunday where Mom and Dad were told the baby has Swine Flu. Prize and I were both tired from a restless night, and I was plagued by arthritis and gout. We headed out early and I was soon on Tamiflu.

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